I took a week of retreat to take a step back from my busy student life and re-evaluate the choices I've made and are about to make. This week has been a series of waking up late, having uncontrollable migraines and just feeling tired most of the time I can remember, even when I have enough sleep. It's been the first week since the start of the semester that I've been this undisciplined and even I noticed the change in myself. I'm trying my best not to go to that place again, I hope it works. I just need to come to terms with the change that has been happening in my life.
Have you ever felt like a stop sign in the middle of a busy road? Where you can see people everywhere around you moving so fast you can barely see them anymore and then there's you, still standing there, constant and unchanged. That's what I've been feeling like for the past weeks that passed. It took me real courage to admit that the feeling was creeping onto me and that I couldn't shake it no more and I hoped and prayed that I was wrong. I guess, people are right sometimes, even when they're wrong most of the time. My life has changed so much, it hurts me so bad because I expected it. I've been expecting it during the time people would least expect it -when my life was filled with many, many good things. When no ordeal comes knocking my door, that's what I fear most. It's when my troubles come like a huge slap in my face, painful and unexpected.
This week has also been a series of crying spells and frequent daydreaming. I find myself crying in the most random times. While I'm eating, after class, when it rains, when I sleep. Crying helps to sleep, especially from all the little sleep I've gotten but it definitely does no good for the headache. But then again, neither is my painkiller.
The retreat is coming to an end today, and I took some time to ask myself if I've really come to terms with things. Truth be told, I don't I'll ever really know until I face the change again and feel the change in surrounding. I guess in someway, you can say it's like trying to get out of the cottage after a snow storm. Going through the snow takes more bravery and struggle but you won't be alive if you choose to stay in the cottage. I have to go through the snow.
I'm not really sure if I'm fine now but I'll be fine, maybe. I hope I will. I don't know if I'll be the same, though.
Reluctantly,
Sad tea drinker, who drank coffee.
