An open letter to the guy who broke my heart in 2015

I'm not gonna start off saying hi or asking how you are because to be frank, I don't wanna know. I'm not gonna say sorry for writing this because to be frank, I don't care about how you feel anymore. I'm not gonna filter anything because you already know who you are. I know you might think it's unfair for me to write this about you but I think it's high time I think about myself for once and not you anymore. After all, that's what you've been doing.

I don't know what your intentions were in trying to act civil or speak to me nicely or even have the urge and audacity to even talk to me. I'm not curious either. I'm far too tired and uninterested. I don't know if you were just putting up an act. But then again, that's what you've been doing.

You might think I'm selfish for writing this. I don't really care. Because you and I both know that I've been the best friend you could never have in your life. Ever since the day we reconciled, I've never been angry at you nor have I ever doubted you. All I ever tried was to be the best for you, understood you in every situation and always, ALWAYS thinking of your side of circumstances before I said or do anything. Don't deny that even when I have my moments of PMS-es, I was never a bad friend to you. In fact, I've always been honest to you. It was you who were never honest to me.

I'm not writing this in hopes that you'd come back and say sorry to me. In hopes that we could make up and be best friends again. I'm done with you. I'm writing this so you can keep in mind why you lost probably your only friend who truly, truly cared about you and understood you and so you can keep in mind why you lost me. It was because you never truly cared about me. Nor did you understood me. Nor did you want to. You only liked the idea that someone was there to listen to you and accept what you perceived as acceptable behaviour and accepted who you really were. You only liked the idea that I was there, listening and following your every word. Why it all shattered was because you never did the same for me. It took me long to realize that all those times I've opened up to you about my problems and doubts, you were very skeptical of me. The things you told me were the things I already know and yet you wanted to state the obvious for the sake of "Just saying" or "Just being honest" or more importantly "It's not like I'm wrong.". You wanted people to understand your school of thoughts and way of things but you refuse to consider people's circumstances before you make your verdict and opinion on their situation. Forget those you don't know shit about. I told you everything. I trusted you with my emotional disorders, my traumas, my secrets, fears and dreams but you only did that for the sake of pleasing me. But even then, you were still skeptical of how I do things and how I think.

You said you wanted to find the courage to be like me - carefree of other people's opinion- but you never could. It was because subconsciously, you were not pleased of having only my attention. You wanted other people to pay attention to you too, as much as I did to you. Laughing at your jokes, glorifying your academic standards and competence, you wanted the crowd to treat you like how I treated you. Even when I convinced you of the nature of our society, your lips spoke out of ego agreeing to my statement but your actions showed otherwise. You told me you were done of doing shit for people who don't deserve you but you liked the idea of being depended on, having people shower you with compliments later on, having you noticed as 'that guy who has his shit together'. That was also why you couldn't stay being my friend.

And you being you, expecting other people to do things your way, all the time. Wake up, the world doesn't work that way. The world doesn't work in a way that you can choose who you'll work with in the future, who you'll meet. You just have to constantly adapt to things not working your way. And if you can't handle that, then, good luck in the real world. I admit, I am afraid of changes but at least I don't blame you because of my disability to adapt well. At the very least, I don't blame you for issues I have.

This time around, I am yet again, not blaming you even though you broke my heart. I can only blame myself because even when I saw the signs, I took my chance with you and chose to trust you. Now, keep that in mind. In the end, you could never change. I guess it goes with the saying that the problem with people who mean what they say is that they expect other people to do the same thing. Which was my fault. That I wasn't prepared for you to leave and you broke my heart. I broke my heart.

I won't ask of you to have a great life in the future because in all honesty, I am not the least bit concerned. The truth hurts but still, at the end of the day that's all I am. Honest. And you will stay you, coward and contradicting.

- Stranger.

Mood: Unamused

Thanks for listening.

Retreat.

I took a week of retreat to take a step back from my busy student life and re-evaluate the choices I've made and are about to make. This week has been a series of waking up late, having uncontrollable migraines and just feeling tired most of the time I can remember, even when I have enough sleep. It's been the first week since the start of the semester that I've been this undisciplined and even I noticed the change in myself. I'm trying my best not to go to that place again, I hope it works. I just need to come to terms with the change that has been happening in my life.

Have you ever felt like a stop sign in the middle of a busy road? Where you can see people everywhere around you moving so fast you can barely see them anymore and then there's you, still standing there, constant and unchanged. That's what I've been feeling like for the past weeks that passed. It took me real courage to admit that the feeling was creeping onto me and that I couldn't shake it no more and I hoped and prayed that I was wrong. I guess, people are right sometimes, even when they're wrong most of the time. My life has changed so much, it hurts me so bad because I expected it. I've been expecting it during the time people would least expect it -when my life was filled with many, many good things. When no ordeal comes knocking my door, that's what I fear most. It's when my troubles come like a huge slap in my face, painful and unexpected.

This week has also been a series of crying spells and frequent daydreaming. I find myself crying in the most random times. While I'm eating, after class, when it rains, when I sleep. Crying helps to sleep, especially from all the little sleep I've gotten but it definitely does no good for the headache. But then again, neither is my painkiller.

The retreat is coming to an end today, and I took some time to ask myself if I've really come to terms with things. Truth be told, I don't I'll ever really know until I face the change again and feel the change in surrounding. I guess in someway, you can say it's like trying to get out of the cottage after a snow storm. Going through the snow takes more bravery and struggle but you won't be alive if you choose to stay in the cottage. I have to go through the snow.

I'm not really sure if I'm fine now but I'll be fine, maybe. I hope I will. I don't know if I'll be the same, though.

Reluctantly,
Sad tea drinker, who drank coffee.

#WorldMentalHealthDay .

Author's note: This is something very personal so I hope you guys realize how big of a step it is for me to publicize this (not that I'm hoping for a big audience or anything).



The me a year ago I couldn't last a week without being morbid or just generally sad. I'd get emotional on every little thing and let everything get to me. Under my circumstance at the time, I was also suffering from self-loathing, constantly over-thinking and over-analyzing everything from my bipolar disorder and was so frequently in depression I don't remember when I was happy. I used distractions. I used music. I used writing to help me through. I tried everything before I turned to medical attention. It was when my studies were deteriorating that I decided to seek medical attention, to help me go through my day to day. Of course, doing that meant a lot of money too. I did this out of my parents' knowledge, getting extra money from some work I did over the weekends at my mom's and had to cut out my allowance. I was prescribed medicine for my ADHD and had to take them daily. I had social problems. My grades were so bad I can't even look at them. I was not the strongest person I could remember. I hated to pull the mentally disabled card because from where I come from, this is very frowned upon and people just take my being mentally unstable as me trying to be find excuses for my laziness, lack of competence in a lot of things and just generally my being socially unaccepted by the majority. I learnt a lot of things the hard way.

Today, I wake up every morning feeling very thankful of the past me. Thanking the me who decided to take things to my own hands, seeking help. Some (or most) people can't afford to do what I did so I'm honestly grateful. I'm happier on most days which is a big deal for me. I used to have to see my psychiatrist on a monthly basis but it's been months since my last appointment. I stopped taking my prescription (although not advised) because I gradually got better. I can go for a month or two without depression and although my manic impulses haven't really gotten anywhere, I cared less about how people perceived me and more about the people closer to me. I choose to love myself as much as I can, although I have my moments. We always get asked, if we could change the past, what would we change but when do we ever think of the silver lining of how impossible that is? It's because God makes us realize that our past makes us who we are today. If I didn't make those mistakes, been those people, been rejected by society for the most of the past in my life, I would never be this person I am today.

Happy World Mental Health Day.

Sad tea drinker, now happy.
Nuna.

Rainy thoughts

I thought it was you.

Maybe it was me all along.

Maybe, it'll always be me. Like it always has been.

I need help.

So here's the gist of what's been happening to me. A person would ask why a girl who weeped all night did not even tire herself and sleep. Why is she zoning out every two seconds. Why is she starving herself for three days. Why is she not seeking attention for being sick. Why is she still up at 5.30 in the morning updating her blog when she has a two hour class at 8. Why is she watching Begin Again on her laptop to kill time. Pathetically enough, I'm that girl. So here it is, here's the gist. Have you ever been so fucked up in your life so much that you just feel like, crying, laughing, listening to songs that cry out your situation and just go all batshit crazy on your emotions? Thank you. Welcome to my disorder.

Throughout the week, today would probably peak everything. From people walking pass me and telling me that I look mentally and physically tored -which by the way I'm still figuring put how people donthat. I actually tried the optimistiv thing. It didn't work. Bad idea. It was temporary. I was just always stuck with work from one time to another. I tried to run away from it but they just kept coming to me like circles in my head. Lecturers scolding me, assignments pending, classes, task, my family. I'm a walking mess. I don't look like one but I am. Amazing how I still manage to spend my time dressing up. Anyway. Nothing new. Everyone is going through the same thing aren't they? But why does it feel like I'm the only one at the edge of the small ounce of insanity I have left? I didn't earlier but I sorta realized it when I started bawling my eyes, acknowledging the fact that I have issues -a lot. For one, I think too much. That's already half the problem. So here's the girl who watched a conventional love story about turning a new leaf just to entertain her self-pity that this movie in any way is somehow related to her situations and that it killed her more than it already did.

Here's to my fucking self-pity.

The Gloomy Clock (Inspired by IU's 우울시계)

I was twirling the ends of my hair when I hear the clock struck 11 times then the final 12th. An hour passed by so quickly I had not realized it had been so. The clock seems so gloomy. I sat legs spreading forward, my feet barely holding onto the sole of my shoes until one shoe eventually slips off. The ticking sound of the clock was the only thing I could hear, like music to my ear. Alas, it was gloomy. I started humming to a tune. My toes squirm to its comfort. I could feel childishness revert into my grown body. The dress although pretty, I so ungracefully wear it. I fondled the chiffon ends of the skirt, like a ballet tutu. I notice again the subtle ticking of the clock, moving so slowly but time moves so fast. The irony was disturbing me. It was still, gloomy. If only time had stopped, would my toes stop growing. Would they still fit in my small ballet flats. Would I look as childish as I seem. I could sleep as much as I wanted to. I wouldn't be so insomniac and emotionally wrecked. I'm starting to get sick of the gloomy clock. I wish I could kill time so easily. I wouldn't remember that day I cried so much. How could a person be so cruel. If I was still a child, I wouldn't have to suffer so much. Love is so painful. I wanna go back to the time when I didn't have a hard time trusting anyone. If only time passed slower, the seasons wouldn't change so fast. Trees of spring and summer wouldn't change to autumn leaves too quickly and I wouldn't suffer that unbearable pain in the winter. The clock is so gloomy, I'm starting to cry. The time is still passing. It's already 1 o'clock. My silent sobs wet my face, tears dripping from my made up face. Why is the eyeliner so easily dripping, like myself. I wiped them with my bare hands. Lipstick still firm on my lips. I remember a time when I always had to put them on again. Why don't they wear off anymore? An hour passed by so quickly I had not realize it had been so. I stare at the gloomy clock again, wishing it would stop moving so I wouldn't be as gloomy.