I'm not gonna start off saying hi or asking how you are because to be frank, I don't wanna know. I'm not gonna say sorry for writing this because to be frank, I don't care about how you feel anymore. I'm not gonna filter anything because you already know who you are. I know you might think it's unfair for me to write this about you but I think it's high time I think about myself for once and not you anymore. After all, that's what you've been doing.
I don't know what your intentions were in trying to act civil or speak to me nicely or even have the urge and audacity to even talk to me. I'm not curious either. I'm far too tired and uninterested. I don't know if you were just putting up an act. But then again, that's what you've been doing.
You might think I'm selfish for writing this. I don't really care. Because you and I both know that I've been the best friend you could never have in your life. Ever since the day we reconciled, I've never been angry at you nor have I ever doubted you. All I ever tried was to be the best for you, understood you in every situation and always, ALWAYS thinking of your side of circumstances before I said or do anything. Don't deny that even when I have my moments of PMS-es, I was never a bad friend to you. In fact, I've always been honest to you. It was you who were never honest to me.
I'm not writing this in hopes that you'd come back and say sorry to me. In hopes that we could make up and be best friends again. I'm done with you. I'm writing this so you can keep in mind why you lost probably your only friend who truly, truly cared about you and understood you and so you can keep in mind why you lost me. It was because you never truly cared about me. Nor did you understood me. Nor did you want to. You only liked the idea that someone was there to listen to you and accept what you perceived as acceptable behaviour and accepted who you really were. You only liked the idea that I was there, listening and following your every word. Why it all shattered was because you never did the same for me. It took me long to realize that all those times I've opened up to you about my problems and doubts, you were very skeptical of me. The things you told me were the things I already know and yet you wanted to state the obvious for the sake of "Just saying" or "Just being honest" or more importantly "It's not like I'm wrong.". You wanted people to understand your school of thoughts and way of things but you refuse to consider people's circumstances before you make your verdict and opinion on their situation. Forget those you don't know shit about. I told you everything. I trusted you with my emotional disorders, my traumas, my secrets, fears and dreams but you only did that for the sake of pleasing me. But even then, you were still skeptical of how I do things and how I think.
You said you wanted to find the courage to be like me - carefree of other people's opinion- but you never could. It was because subconsciously, you were not pleased of having only my attention. You wanted other people to pay attention to you too, as much as I did to you. Laughing at your jokes, glorifying your academic standards and competence, you wanted the crowd to treat you like how I treated you. Even when I convinced you of the nature of our society, your lips spoke out of ego agreeing to my statement but your actions showed otherwise. You told me you were done of doing shit for people who don't deserve you but you liked the idea of being depended on, having people shower you with compliments later on, having you noticed as 'that guy who has his shit together'. That was also why you couldn't stay being my friend.
And you being you, expecting other people to do things your way, all the time. Wake up, the world doesn't work that way. The world doesn't work in a way that you can choose who you'll work with in the future, who you'll meet. You just have to constantly adapt to things not working your way. And if you can't handle that, then, good luck in the real world. I admit, I am afraid of changes but at least I don't blame you because of my disability to adapt well. At the very least, I don't blame you for issues I have.
This time around, I am yet again, not blaming you even though you broke my heart. I can only blame myself because even when I saw the signs, I took my chance with you and chose to trust you. Now, keep that in mind. In the end, you could never change. I guess it goes with the saying that the problem with people who mean what they say is that they expect other people to do the same thing. Which was my fault. That I wasn't prepared for you to leave and you broke my heart. I broke my heart.
I won't ask of you to have a great life in the future because in all honesty, I am not the least bit concerned. The truth hurts but still, at the end of the day that's all I am. Honest. And you will stay you, coward and contradicting.
- Stranger.
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